


How to Break up with Batman

by truc



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU, DCU (Comics), Superman - All Media Types
Genre: Break Up Talk, Caution, Established Relationship, Fluff, Humour, M/M, Or fear of Break Up Talk, not really angst?, taking a relationship to the next level
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:28:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26117236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/truc/pseuds/truc
Summary: Seeing how his romantic entanglement with Superman is becoming serious, Batman prepares and gives Superman a list of things to do/not do to break up with him.Of course, Superman retaliates by giving him a list of what to do to take their relationship to the next step.
Relationships: Batman/Superman
Comments: 28
Kudos: 251





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Tomorrow, I'll post Superman's list. Meanwhile, enjoy!

**How to Break up with Batman**

1) Don't apologize. _The last thing I need is your pity. Don't you dare use the word 'sorry.'_

2) Don't say our relationship isn't working. _It implies there is a mechanical or engineering problem with it; I will then try to fix it._

3) Don't say there's someone else. _I'll stalk that person and try to find what I'm lacking._

4) Don't announce it's your fault. _Self-blame usually hides either self-esteem issues, camouflages the fact you're blaming me or that you don't care._

5) Don't criticize me. _If there was something to fix, there are other conversations that should have taken place before this one. If you've already said your piece, there's no point in repeating it completely now._

6) Don't tell me that we can still be friends. _If you break my heart, I'm the one who gets to decide if we can be friends._

7) Don't tell me we should take a break. _What the hell does that even mean?!?_

8) Be concise and clear. _There should be no convoluted stories or acrobatics to bring the subject up._

9) Tell me in person. _On the same note, choose wisely your break-up location and moment. Make sure there will be no awkward interruptions or anyone overhearing the conversation._

10) Don't pressure me to answer you immediately. _If possible, give me your availabilities so I can schedule a follow-up discussion to complete the break-up process. Don't call; I'll call you._

11) It's forbidden to touch me... _Except if I initiate the contact._

12) Give me space. _Limit professional contact to the absolute minimum._

13) If others ask you about the situation, restrain yourself to the essential (we're no longer together). _When Dinah and Ollie broke up, the kids and the League took sides. That's childish. The details of our relationship are nobody's business but our own._

14) Don't expect me to act friendly. _I'm not going to take it well. **Deal with it.**_


	2. Chapter 2

**How to Move to the Next step in our Relationship**  
By Clark Kent

1) **Use words.** _You know, those pesky things you catch with a dictionary? Gestures are nice, and all, but I appreciate knowing what they mean. (How should I know what, say, a key means? Do you want me to check the Batmobile's fuel levels?)*_

_*Please don't revoke my Batcave privileges; I swore I wouldn't touch your Batmobile again and, I intend to keep that promise._

2) Engage in discussions about our goals and the future. _You can even generate Venn charts. I know you want to._

3) We should also insert each other in the other's familiar settings (i.e. friends and family) to see how comfortable we fit in the other's life. _We're fine on this item: Ma loves you and, your kids can suffer my presence (I've seen their endurance membership cards before you confiscated them)._

4) Be prudent. _I'm not going to lecture you on this subject because, contrary to you, I don't make three different contingency plans for my dates._

5) Think about the natural consequences of the change. _For you, I'll add the reverse reminder: don't overthink it. Seriously, don't get an aneurism._

6) Be patient. _I know how you dislike disrupted routines, but don't forget I'll also have to adjust. Whatever changes we're undergoing, we're undergoing it together; it will test my patience too._

7) Be ready to compromise on the little things, but stick to your principles. _Before you say anything, yes, my clothes are atrocities to the human eye. No, you can't throw them away; that's non-negotiable._

8) Make sure you match your promises/engagement with your actions. _I won't even comment on this one, Mister-I-put-the-toilet-seat-down._

9) Disclose your secret identity! _I look attractive in blue and red. Who am I? I'm not a bird, nor a plane... I'M SUPERMAN! *_

_*It's still better than your corny tagline about blah blah vengeance, blah blah night, nananana Batman._

10) Reread #1. _Contrary to my fans' opinion, I'm not a mindreader. I can't comprehend your brain wave if you don't translate it into spoken words. (Though, to be fair, even if I were a mindreader, I wouldn't tell you about it because you're too entertaining.)_

11) Go at your speed. _It's not a race. If it were, I would be dating Flash instead of you; we'd get to the finish line much more quickly._

12) Don't feel bad if one of us is ready for the next step before the other. _As you would often point out, the odds are in favour of that mismatched pacing happening. We can take our time. If we want to savour our journey together, we can't let self-doubts and anxiety consume all that we have._

13) Don't forget that, no matter what, I love you. _When in doubt, ask me if it's accurate. I don't mind showing you over and over again in actions and words. I really don't._ 😊


End file.
